Light Today

I saw the light today
I saw the light today
I saw the light today
I saw the light today


Silence loud and wind so long
The quiet building in the dark
Surrender to the game
I saw the light today


The silent scream that we're apart
I dare to dream for there you are
I bleed, but I won't break
I saw the light today


I saw the light today
I saw the light today...today...today


-Eddie V.

Grumpy Girl

Soooo...I didn't end up doing the thing I wanted to do that would make me happy, as mentioned in the last blog post.  And it's definitely showing.  I don't think I've ever been more unhappy with my state of life than I am right now. I don't enjoy making that statement because it makes me sound so ungrateful for all the many things I do have in my life that bring happiness.  

I have a wonderful family who loves and supports me in all that I have done and do. 

I have friends (though I don't have a social life with my friends because they are all married with children). 

I have my health. 

I have shelter. 

I have my very own house, for goodness sakes.  

Ironically, though, the house is the main source of my unhappiness.  I never wanted to buy a house. It was never, literally, NEVER in my plans.  But I felt like I should be on my own again, and apartment living is NOT my cup of tea and is also a waste of money when you can own (so they told me).  Ultimately, I do believe it was the smarter choice, but it is a source of major concern and stress for me on daily basis. I knew I couldn't really afford a house all to myself and I was right. 

I was up late last night entering all my bills into a spreadsheet against what my income is and I was in the RED. How the real estate and bank world ever let me buy a house is beyond my understanding. I don't make that much money at all. I owe a HUGE amount of money to the government from student loans. How did little ol' me ever get approved to buy a house?! 

This is why the housing crisis occurred in the country, and more specifically, my city. Yet, here I sit, in my one of three bedrooms I now "own," typing this little entry. I say "own" because no one really ever "owns" anything when you have to borrow money to buy something. I don't own my car. And I definitely don't own this house, really.  I won't for another thirty years. What I need to do is get two roommates and let them pay my mortgage.  That would be awesome and really, what I NEED to do.  

I'm on a mission to find some homeless people.

It's Been Awhile

I've fallen out of the habit of writing. Lots has happened since the last entry. I won't bother writing about it all now, but just will say that the title of this blog was a genius choice on my part. It is definitely my mantra--If I don't let myself be happy now, then when?

I'm making some pretty big changes soon, and sometimes I think I'm crazy and sometimes I think I'm just doing what makes me happy. Or maybe its a combination of both. Probably both.